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Writer's Block: Instant attraction

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 09:14:55 GMT

Do you think romantic chemistry is instant or evolving? Have you ever given someone a second (or third) chance and lived to regret it? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you didn't particularly like or desire at first?

View 1065 Answers

i think it definately builds. there is no such thing as love at first sight.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 09:13:42 GMT

so i wrote a song today for the first time in forever, but then i got drunk and now i cant remember it. i suck.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 05:39:53 GMT

When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world. Every boy is the boy you are supposed to be with. Every party is going to be the best party ever. Every fight is a bridge you'll burn and a friend you'll lose.

Then you grow up and you start to realize things. Like when you look around you one day and see that you've intentionally made half of your friends hate you because you found something you didn't like about them. Or that you've made yourself be alone for the past 2 years because you are scared of getting hurt again. 2 years ago when I decided to open myself up, I did it willing to get hurt. Maybe only because I had never really felt that hurt before. But then I felt it. The feeling of rejection after you lay your heart out. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Though it felt like it for quite some time. And I've met plenty of better looking men. But no one seems to look at me the way he did. And I think that is what I've been missing.

I've realized how much I've been expecting a fairy tale ending for myself and how unrealistic that is. I expect to find a successful, rich, charming, good-looking guy to be single and be madly in love with me. Reading that just makes me laugh. The things that media gets into little girls heads. It makes me hate every cheesy romance movie and every disney movie ever made. We grow up with these expectations of finding a knight in shining armor and living a happy like with 2 kids and a white picket fence. Life isn't like a movie. Every single person has flaws. And plenty of them. You're never going to meet someone you don't get annoyed with at some point. And I'm sick of everyone saying "Let fate take care of things, everything will work out." That is bullshit. There is no chosen path for us. We clear our own. We decide which way we want to walk, and we are the reason we wind up where we do. I feel like I have two personalities fighting to overcome the other. Part of me is the I don't give a shit tattooed messy bitch with a clear drinking problem who screws over everyone around her(Let's call her Vanessa). And the other is the innocent little naive girl that wouldn't lie or hurt a fly, would never get a tattoo or peircings and is always there for anyone that needs her(We'll call her Mary). They are very off balance and sometimes it's hard to decide who I want to let live my life. But I know that in deciding how i want to live my life, I am deciding where I'll end up in 30 years. Vanessa will be either dead or living in her smoke filled apartment with her dirtbag boyfriend, while Mary will have let every one of her friends walk all over her and have none left, and have settled with an unattractive geek with lots of money, so at least she could satisfy some of her urges.
I think it's important to say when these two personalities really started to show up. When my grandma died it hit me so hard. And all I wanted to do was be like her and touch people the way she had. She was so purely genuine and happy it made you just want to be a good person. And I was not. I was a liar, a klepto. I'd taught my friends how to steal and lie and opened up new doors for all of them, looking at where they ended up just hurts me inside. I'd sleep with my best friends boyfriends and throw it in their face a year later. I'd cheat my way through school, and I'd go out smoking and drinking every night. I turned my back on my family, the only people who were a constant in my life. After her death I was changed.
I wanted to go back to who I was as a kid. The shy innocent girl who laid in bed praying to a god for things to get better. The girl that believed you're only allowed a certain amount of curse words in your life so I'd sit alone in my closet cursing to get them all out so I'd never do it again. The girl that felt guilt when she did something wrong. I wanted the nilla cookie back.

When I was young and I'd close my eyes, every single night, no fail, I had these visions. It was just regular people. But they would morph. They started beautiful and smooth, I always thought of nilla cookies. Then they would shift into these dark, scabbed creatures. Smokey and rough. They were ugly and scary and I hated them. But shortly after they would shift back. It was back and forth until I would see myself. I was a nilla cookie, and then I'd get just one scar. One hideous ugly scar on my cheek. And I would cry and slowly turn into one of those creatures. And I always tried to get myself back to the nilla cookie, but I'd always have that scar no matter how hard I tried to erase it. It was a crazy outlook to my future.

I think the only reason I fell for that one boy so hard was because I had asked my grandma one night, while laying in bed, to bring me a boy to love me. I was ready for love I told her. Shortly after, I met Matt. And it seemed too good to be true. But neither of us were in the right place so I told myself it was the wrong time and it would work out later in life. I come to find that is not how things work. You screw it up once, it's done. But for the longest time I was convinced that he was the one I was meant to be with.
Then after all that time of being alone and finding something wrong with every guy I met, I met the boy in Boston. Who in two words, was my dream guy. I never thought I could meet a guy like that, or that he would talk to me. He was gorgeous, he was successful, he had family values, and he was faithful. We had a huge connection, but he had a girlfriend, and I never gave him my number. And thus, we never saw eachother again. Just another chance encounter I get to look back on and sigh at. But now thinking back on these times, maybe they were just supposed to teach me something. Whether it be how to interact with a guy I am interested in, or to know that there ARE guys like that out there. Either way I don't regret how they turned out.

I miss being young and "insightful". I miss knowing all the answers. I miss having a small world and there being nothing outside of it. Things were dramatic then, but they were a lot more simple than I'd realized.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 07:07:03 GMT

is this obsessive?

nooo. i just really can't stop thinking about him. i've been trying to find a boy like him for the past 3 years and i finally met everything i wanted. and i cannntt stop thinking about himmmmm. and it sucks because, i dont think i even asked him his name, he currently lives in another state, has a girlfriend, and has no contact with me.

i just emailed a girl he was with. she gave me her email and told me shed hook me up lol..idk i just looked at pictures of me from that night, and i was so giddy like a school girl. maybe i just need to meet more ~~decent boys~~. good men.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:38:17 GMT

i met a boy yesterday that regained my faith in the human race.

thank god.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 04:47:23 GMT

seriously, i have to start doing the things i've always wanted to do. or i'm gonna be a pathetic person for the rest of my life.

i think i'm gonna go back to dance school. i miss that part of my life so badly. i was the best at it and i just dropped it because all my classmates hated me. well i was weird back then so it's understandable.

anyway, i've realized lately just how much i really just wanna travel the world. it's weird because i was watching the true hollywood story of angelina jolie today, and it showed where she travels and helps people, and she's seeing the real world, not the glitzy tourist world. and i envy that. i'm thinking of moving back home in june so i can afford traveling all over the world. even if it is by myself. it's something i have to do.

btw i did not start school in spring like i said i would. one of my managers bought me this career apptitude book called discover what you're best at. so i eventually got around to opening it and taking some of the tests. i took the bussiness, logical, clerical, and social tests. the mechanical and the numerical just looked boring. so anyway... i take the tests, and the way you score it is on a chart that goes from like below average or something all the way up to superior. and it was really weird, i got superior in all 4. so it didn't narrow anything down. so i looked through the career index..which was endless, and it all just seemed so...bussiness-ey. well i went on-line and looked up a couple of the jobs. one was a social director. they were on like cruise ships or at hotels. so i went on career builder to see if there's actually a need for those kinds of people out there. turns out there really isn't. and i get all these e-mail's now with job offers, and i can't stand reading them. i don't want a job in business. i don't want 9-5. i don't want to stay in one place, or stay with the same people. i don't want to walk into the same building day after day. i need some form of excitement in my life soon or else i'll become a hollow shell.

kids always have the craziest dreams, and they never seem far away, but then one day they just let them go, whether they get side-tracked, or they just give-up...and they settle. i've never been one to settle. but i have given up on finding something i love and working toward it.

who'd of thought that TRYING could be so hard?

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 06:42:37 GMT

my sister is in jail today. but she gets out tomorrow. it's just weird to think about.

my manager is like jeckell & hyde. she tells people she's going to fire me for telling people the shit she says, and then acts like my best friend. i'm done getting stressed out about that shit.

my friend jenn made me realize what's wrong with me. i always go back in forth between thinking im a hypocondriac or i have an awful disease and i'm dying. but she told me she was researching hypothyroidism and it has like 20 of the most random symptoms, and they sersiously are all what i have. and it's hereditary and my mom had it. thank god i actually know i'm not crazy now.

so i came home and bought health insurance. which is 200 dollars a month. and thats the cheap one. what the fuck. where am i going to get all this money? not to mention...

i tried registering for classes yesterday. which is still too confusing for me...but my roomie's gonna help me later and i am determined to be in school by the spring. so i need to pay for that to, while working less.

meanwhile, it's christmas time, and i told everyone i can't afford to buy lots of presents like usual..but my sister's moving to boston, so i HAD to help get her lots of stuff for her apartment. so far i spent 600, and i still need to get my brother more. and i wanna buy all my aunts and uncles something too. because every year they give me gift cards and money, and it's expected...but i'm an adult now, and i still never get them anything. that's bullshit. so maybea few bottles of champagne for new years or something.

stress stress stress stress stress stress......stress.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 01:40:49 GMT

i work too much and get run down. but what else is new.
i opened my last bank statement today and saw that last month i wound up with a loss of $300. that was depressing.
i keep getting sicker an sicker and i'm starting to feel like i have something seriously wrong with me. but i couldn't go to a doctor even if i wanted to because i don't have insurance yet.
i really want to go back to school, but i honestly don't know how, it's really confusing...that's sad.
everytime i meet a new guy, i'm reminded how disgusting they are. they really do only care about one thing.
i'm watching knocked up and, it's such a great movie.
i wish i could just relax and enjoy life. but i haven't known how to do that since the day i turned 18 and got a job.
blah blah blah blah blah

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 07:26:32 GMT

yesterday was my aunt pearl's funeral. it was mentally exhausting, i was supposed to work afterwards, but had someone pick it up last minute cause i felt so crappy. i think the worst part was watching her son. he's always such a happy man, making jokes. and he still tried to be that way, but you could see it in his eyes. his speech at the church brought everyone to tears.

being in that church made me think so much. made me wonder how everyone can believe so whole-heartedly in some story passed down through thousands of generations. it's a nice story, and it really would be great if it were true, but i can't make myself trust in that. i guess that just shows my personality though. i'm so gaurded. people with faith are better people than me, hands down. that's like jumping off a building blind folded, and trusting someone will be at the bottom with a net. i don't know how so many people can do it. i want to believe there's something more to life, that we're not just here to die...but that's something we'll never know until we're dead, so i don't waste my time trying to figure it out.

life is just a circle. yin and yang. ups and downs. i've become so used to it, that nothing ever bothers me anymore. a lot of things go wrong at the same time, and usually i just get stressed and feel helpless. but over the past year or two, i just let it go. i know that when it's that bad, it's gonna get real good soon enough, i just have to bear with it. it's weird that i feel the same in each month. october's definately always my favorite month. i always have the most fun. even though all i've really been doing is working, i've just had a good time. but i know once december hits things are going to go downhill very fast so i want to enjoy thistime as much as i can.

i don't have anything to complain about in my life, and i don't want to take that for granted. a lot of my friends have such crazy stressful things going on, and it's made me so appreciative for what i have.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 06:26:37 GMT

today as soon as i started getting ready for work things started spiraling out of control. first i take my shirt out of the dryer and find a big black stain on it from when my roomate borrowed it yesterday, so i have to go buy a new one. then i leave for work and get stuck behind a bus that literally stops twice on every block. then i walk into work scheduled to closed, but instead i'm just on the floor in a mediocore station. then someone throws out my redbull. then i actually spill a drink on a table..which i've never ever done before. then my manager, who may or may not have down syndrome, tries to yell at me for not telling him my table ordered a bottle of wine we were out of. which i don't understand why he had to know that at all. and so on and so on.

but eventually, i'd picked up closing since i was supposed to anyway, and my phone wouldnt stop vibrating so i went to the kitchen and listened to my voice mail. it was my dad, whom i haven't spoken to in probably about a month, telling me my aunt pearl died today. i realized how stupid i was being letting these little things affect my day. i feel a litte selfish.

so next time you're having one of those awful days, and you're dragging your feet saying...don't say could this day get any worse. becase next thing you know you'll get a phone call.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 03:29:42 GMT

[restored and edited from sunday October 12th, 2008]

tell me why this keeps happening to me...

yesterday i woke up hungover as all hell looked at my phone to read the terrible drunk texts i sent yelling at andy at 6am and realized, i need to delete matt out of my phone so i never attempt to call him. i decided after this whole andy thing (andys the trainer from bayonne) that it's finally time to just move on and really forget about matt. so i delete his number, close my phone, and go back to bed. i wake up 4 hours later and go to work. the night goes by akwardly with the trainers, then they leave and an old man dies at table 13. then its the end of the night, im just hanging out waiting to be cut, so i run some food to the bar. and surprise surprise for me who else is sitting there, but none other than matt with his girlfriend and friends. who proceed to stare me down the entire rest of my shift. yeah i pretended not to see him or aknowledge him, which i think he knew was bullshit.i was sitting 2 tables away from him with my manager in an empty lounge while he was there by himself and he was staring at me, waiting for me to go talk to him i guess. but what i dont understand is why this would happen the same day i decide to forget him. its been a year and a half since we've talked. and memories of him only pop up when im ready to move on. that's why i'm still here. like the way my heart dropped to my knees when i saw him killed me. it just makes me think i'm not meant to forget him yet. but that's not fair.

i should also clarify the andy story.

andy was the cute boy who asked me on a date. he's a trainer for houlihan's that came here for 2 weeks to help open the store. he was a bar trainer, and since i only applied for serving, i never really talked much to him. until one day, when the trainers came over to my apartment for a party. just a small one because they wanted a place to play beer pong. me and him hung out most of the night while he was here, we got along really well, then his ride was leaving so he had to leave pretty early. he followed me upstairs to say goodbye to me, gave me a hug and left.
a couple hours later, i'm playing beer pong with my roommate and her phone goes off. her boyfriend checks the text, makes a weird face and hands it to kim. she makes the same weird face then hands it to me. it's a text from andy saying he didn't get a chance to ask for my number and asked if he could have it. i laughed and put the phone down and continued playing beer pong. about a half hour later when no one was looking, i picked the phone back up and text him back my phone number, then casualy put the phone back down like nothing had just happened. he started texting me after that and asked me to go out sometime, but i played dumb and said we were having people over again tomorrow so we can hang out then.
days go by where we flirt at work, and he asks me to go hang out, but our schedules always conflict. then one day comes around that made me really like him. no one at work ever saw andy as a shy or nervous person. but that's how he was with me. his friend louis one day came between us and told me that andy was in love with me. andy got nervous and tried to make it a joke and louis was like no andy, tell her since when...since the party...just tell her. and then he walked away. i just smiled and left it at that. then later im standing next to him at the service well waiting for a drink and he doesnt look at me, he looks straight ahead and says "so you think you maybe wanna go out for ice cream sometime... maybe catch a movie?" i looked at him and he still wouldnt look straight at me, i notice his friend louis standing right behind me and get embarrassed, so i laugh and say you're such a dork LOUIS....calling him by the wrong name. clearly he took that as being shot down. which i did not intend to do at all. so later i text him so i guess no ice cream then? and he replies just say the word girl....which i do not. of course.
the next day he's sitting in a station next to mine for lunch and to grade one of the servers, i ask him what he's ordering me for dessert, and he asks what i want. about a half hour later i walk by and my dessert is sitting there waiting for me. so i sit down and attempt to eat it, but instead he decides he wants to spoon feed me in front of the whole restaraunt. he kept holding my hand and putting his arm around me and it really did feel nice, but i felt like i really couldn't let people at work see that. so i would stop him. once again he took that as rejection...but why would i keep coming back and sitting next to him if i didn't want him to keep holding my hand. so i text him later and try to explain things. which went over pretty well. though, once again i don't respond when he says something sweet to me.
the next day is the day of the going away party for the trainers. theres also a party at my house..but andy convinces me to go to theirs at the hotel instead. i bring 3 girls from my party, once of which has told me she has a crush on andy, so i keep quiet and tell him we can't flirt in front of her. i get to the party and notice how sketchy it is that they wanted to have it at the hotel instead of my house, and that it was invitation only and all that were there were like...9 girls. plus the male trainers.i shrug it off and try to have a good time, and me and andy are getting along fine, until he tries to follow me into the bathroom, i guess so we were alone..but i actually had to pee so i didn't let him. and once again, he took that as a rejection. so i guess 3 strikes and i'm out. when i came out...any room i was in, he would go to another. and at one point, i went upstairs and he couldn't see that i was there, but i saw him in the mirror, on top of one of the girls i brought (not even the one with the crush). so i stand in shock for a minute...then i move to where he can see me. once he realizes, he jumps up and casualy walks out of the room. i grab my phone and text kim to find me a ride from someone at our house cause i can't be there anymore. i go downstairs to get my purse, while not talking to anyone, and andy asks "whats wrong? i know you're lying whats wrong?" i shrug and say i'm fine and he walks away. i go outside to wait for my ride, on the way the girl i brought is in the hallway and asks if i have a crush on andy. i say no don't worry about it. i hear about her saying she's going to "fuck the shit out of andy tonight" and am disgusted. so i make my way outside and of course, andys out there too, with two other girls. i stand and talk to them for a little, mainly to the girls not him. my ride gets there and the girls hug me goodbye, and andy has already made his way inside.
i get in the car, lauras boyfriend chris was there and ready to kill someone. it was sweet and i was just happy he was there. we get home and i grab kim and laura and cry to them explaining everything and how he was the first boy since matt that i've really started to like. after i'm done crying, i go back downstairs and finish drinking.
6 in the morning rolls around and i go upstairs to bed, but decide in my drunken state, to text andy before i fall asleep. i say, "why'd you have to be a jerk?" from there it spiraled. he also told me in the first text that he was in his bedroom with his best friend, completely not being a jerk. when i later found out that he was laying next to a girl sam who had hooked up with another trainer, and my friend was passed out on his floor. he told me he thinks this place is crazy and that's why he was avoiding everyone, he also told me that i didn't show any interest in him so don't act like he fucked with my feelings. he apologized for hurting me and said goodnight.
the next day i go to work competely hung over and miserable. and i try to avoid andy the entire time. but of course it's the one day he decides to leave the service well and actually walk around. i think he was looking for me to try to talk. eventually we ran into eachother and he asks if i hated him now. i said no and he gave me a doubtful look, i tell him i don't hate him, again, and i walk away. later im back at the service well and he tries to talk to me again, and i guess we kind of talked things out, but not really.it was still weird, i was still miserable being there. then he goes around to say his goodbyes and im in a group with 3 others and he gives them each a hug then comes over to me, squeezes me, kisses my forehead and says goodbye baby. :\ that was it. i didnt say anything...i walked by him once later and he messed up my hair, but i kept walking.
reading back over this, it's completely my fault that nothing happened. i do this everytime, and i never seem to learn. that was completely long, and probably entirely unneccesary, but that was my past 2 weeks. and this is me now...right back where i started.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 18:51:30 GMT

i met a cute boy, who's asked me on a date. but of course he's one of my trainers and is going back to bayonne on saturday. good deal.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 02:17:11 GMT

you know, as dreadful as these past couple weeks home have been i'm really glad i had them. i learned a lot. today was orientation for work and i'm going to go about this place entirely differently. this time i know it's just a job and i'm just going there to have fun and make money and hopefully make some friends while i'm at it. i don't care about moving up or getting noticed or being the best. in 10 years is it really gonna matter how good of a server you were at chilis? no..not really at all. so what i've noticed on my off time is that since i got started working at chilis 2 years ago, that became my life. it came at a time that i stopped talking to most of my friends because they were too immature. and then i also started the same week i met matt. and that made me want to change and cut of all ties with all my guy friends too. so i widdled my life down to chilis my best friend kim, and matt. a couple other friends from ruby tuesday but we never hung out regularly. so kim turned 21 and started going to bars all the time, so we grew apart. and then the matt situation didnt turn out at all what i expected, so all i was left with was chili's. and not many people there liked me seeing as i was the new brownoser and all. so i got so cought up in just working as many days as possible and just keeping my head down and doing so much work, i never stopped to look at what my life had become. i think i did it intentionally so i didn't get stuck at home and realize i had no one to call. i was so obsessed with saving money, i don't know what i was saving for. i made $30,000 last year and after my bills i still had so much saved up. i bought a new laptop, a new car, new teeth, and i went shopping for new clothes every day off i had. i got so comfortable making such quick money that i had no future goal, because i seemed to be doing perfectly fine. so i don't know how to go about getting a different kind of job and still make the same money. so now i realize just how desperately i need to go back to school and do something with my life, anything.

i kind of rambled...but i really feel like now that i don't work at chili's, this huge weight has been lifted off my chest and life seems to be better. i'm happier. even just watching tv on my couch i'm happier, which i'm NEVER happy doing. i hate being inactive. but i didn't mind it this month. it's long overdue. sometimes i forget i'm only 20.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 23:08:19 GMT

so in my unemployed three weeks, i've taken up the lottery. ive made a profit of one dollar so far so i guess that's something. i'm not used to having all this down time. i hate it but love not working at the same time. i'm not looking forward to starting work again but i am looking forward to not being on the couch so often.

i want to do sports again. i miss them. how do i start?? that's my problem. everything i decide i want to do, i don't know how to do them.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:20:12 GMT

i hate you. i hate that i can still go to your myspace and look at picture of you and feel upset. i hate that i have a constant reminder of you living next door to me. i hate that i drive pass your work everyday and see your car. i hate that i can't work at that restaurant because that's where you and your girlfriend work. i hate that i pass you driving and you don't even notice me. i hate that i drove you away. i hate that i let my gaurd down for you. i hate that i can't forget you. and most of all, i hate that i don't hate a thing about you.

i dont know what i want. i need to stop worrying about things so much though. i do know i walked out of work yesterday because i finally had the last straw with them fucking me over this month.

i wish i had friends.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:35:01 GMT

FUCK my life. how the hell does this happen.

i have a dream and i wake up with the phrase "sometimes when life hands you lemons...you just can't make lemonade." stuck in my head. over and over and over. then i hear people finally moving in to the apartment next to me, and who is it other than matts girlfriend right before me. eden. the girl who moved to jackson the same day as me. whos birthday is 2 days before mine. who has been friends with every group of friends i've ever had. who is now pregnant, getting married, and moving where else but my next door.

i do not understand you universe. i do not understand you.

haegtiuaebwhgmesn btjuegsbrhjsw

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:44:05 GMT

i feel so changed as of lately. i'm so distant from everyone and everything, and i don't want to be. no matter how hard i try i can't fix it. i feel hollow. i feel like everything i've ever felt was forced. i feel unaffected by everything. I don't get embarrassed when i do something stupid. i don't get nervous when a cute guy smiles at me. i don't get upset when people get angry with me. i feel like i'm floating through life, watching myself make my actions, but i'm not really here. yesterday we went on a trainer trip to six flags, and i remember going on the roller coasters, and just thinking the entire time. i watched the track unwinding in front of me, but i heard nothing, no screaming, no laughing, just my thoughts.i remember thinking how sad it was that shooting upside at 80 miles an hour couldn't even get my excited. i've also realized lately how ungrateful i am. people give me a huge tip at work, and i don't go over and thank them, and i know in my head that by not doing this they'll get the impression that i don't appreciate it, or i expect it...but i still don't thank them. people see that i'm upset and they try to talk to me about it, and i completely blow it off. and if they do attempt to understand the black hole that is me, i don't give them any credit for it. even waking up to see my roommate folded all my laundry, i felt i didn't appreciate it as much as she did when i folded hers. and everytime i look in the mirror, i see the sad girl i was when i was 11. the fat, pale, plain, saggy-eyed girl that sat alone on the couch everyday. i need to snap out of it. but i refuse to be phony. i refuse to start drinking like a trash bag. i refuse to hook up with some guy just because i'm lonely.
i'm watching american history x though, and the kid just got shot, and i'm not crying. that's probably only because i've been writing this. i hate talking about these problems because i know all i'm going to get is, wow your problems are so big, you poor thing, you're too good for everyone. so don't say it to me che!

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 14:58:09 GMT

ever since i moved in to my new apartment i've been like a new person. i'm not angry or depressed. i clean, i don't spend money going to wawa every single day, i actually like being around people, i wake up early. it's weird. i guess i just really needed to get out of that house and away from my mom. oh, and i get to baby sit my puppy for the weekend!! i'm so excited for that :D i miss her

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 04:34:33 GMT

so a few hours after i set up the appointment to get my GED, i serve the man who is the reason i didn't pass high school the first time. my life is ridiculous. also, I've been doing some really nice things lately and getting bit in the ass for them. what is up with karma? sunday, i stayed and closed the bar so maureen didn't have to work, for several reasons that will not be spoken of, but it was the nice thing to do. so by the end of the night my legs couldn't bend anymore, my hair was greasy, and i hadn't even broken 200. then tuesday, a table hands me their check and i ask if they need any change they say no, i say thanks and walk away. then i realize there is a 100 dollar bill, and its a 40 dollar check. i look at my friend like uhmm..do you think they did that on purpose? i decided to be honest and go back and say guys you gave me a 100 dollar bill, they say they thought they put two 20's down, so instead i got a 2 dollar tip....nice. THEN today i had opened, and josh came in with a hurt arm and, he asks me every week to close for him and i always say no, but today i said yes because his arm hurt. so i close for him and my lounge stayed full the whole freakin night, i didn't get out until an hour after close. i made money, but this was the only night i was going to have time to pack. oh well...i feel like life has been a little uneven lately but it's okay. i move in 3 days. though everyone who offered to help, can't help on sunday anymore...so i really have no idea what we're going to do..but break all of our furniture....as i said before..my life is ridiculous.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:30:50 GMT

so, in the past couple hours, i've accomplished more than i have all year. i went to the dmv and got a new license for my new address, i also renewed my registration. deposited 900 bucks into the bank. set up cable internet and phone for the new apartment. scheduled my test to get my GED. filled out a new application for OCC. changed my address for all my bills. and packed 2 whole boxes! i am very proud of myself. i don't usually do anything with my time off from work. i am rewarding myself with chinese food tonight. lots of it.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 03:26:45 GMT

so, today I've come to quite a few realizations.

1) I was talking to my little brother about his ear problems. I was always under the impression that he was born deaf and he's spent his entire childhood getting surgery to fix it. he told me today that he actually remembers loosing his hearing and that it didn't happen until he was 2 or 3. and he took lessons to read lips. it made me realize how much I just kind of live in my own world. I never thought twice about that part of his life and how it's affected him, and how he is still dealing with it, and still getting surgeries. Also, my sister had a stroke when she was 4 years old. What the hell do I have to complain about. Bad shit happens to everyone, but I've never had any physical restraints holding me back. I need to expand my outlooks. Not only focus on what someone is at the present.

2) my mom came up to me today and said "when you move out on sunday, will that be the last i ever see of you?" i didn't even acknowledge the question, but she stays and says "well?" i told her she deserves it but probably not. and she smiled with relief and i tell her it doesn't mean i like her, i'm just not that immature, which maybe i am for trying to cut her with words like that. and she tells me she knows she's screwed up but she did the best she could, and she left. well maybe she did. i mean her home life wasn't that great. her life now is a joke. she's so socially awkward that she really doesn't have any friends at all. and as much as it pains me to say it, i see a lot of myself in her. i just don't know how to just renew a relationship that's been so badly shattered for so long. and i still don't know if i fully want to forgive her.

3) so, I went and saw Sex and the City tonight. And I was surrounded by middle-aged women drenched in perfume for their "big night out". the movie itself wasn't great, but it did make me realize that how heartbreak works, and i think usually it's your choice. it made me think about matt. god. 2 years, we never had a real relationship, it was nothing. and i remember intentionally trying to end all of our talks and phone calls and hanging out. and then i was somehow the one depressed. and still today, 2 years later, i don't have any interest in a single guy that i've met. i didn't even realize how lonely my life is until today. my mother goes on more dates than me. i'm worse off than her. i'm trying not to overreact and freak out about this, but it's terrifying. i remember intentionally ending all my "guy" friend relationships because i wanted a real relationship, i was sick of my teen years and all the mistakes i've made, and insecurities i've tried to cover up. and it worked, i got over them. i'm done with that part of my life. but now i'm here. nowhere. by myself. and i wonder if i was better off back then, covering up problems by doing idiodic things.

4) I don't hate my job like I've been thinking i do. I mean, it gets old, but it's easy. i just hated that i was at a dead end. so I'm going back to school, and I'm going to actually work towards something. anything.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 29 May 2008 01:47:15 GMT

i've been reading quotes for a while. ghandi, buddha..bob dylan.. and i feel like going through them all, every one of them can contradict themselves. they can say the wisest things and then 4 quotes later contradict everything they just sounded so insightful with. this just proves they're human. outlooks change day to day. and i think life itself is just a journey. and when there's nothing left for you to discover, that's when you die. i had a conversation today about depression. we both "have" it but i think it's just how we've taught our bodies to react to certain type of stress. its all mental. you just need to train your body to react differently. i think i'm past that now. lately i've felt like my old self again. i've been in my room reading books, and writing poems. i bought paint today and canvases. i feel like the person that's been gone for years is back and it's a good feeling. i also think i'm closer to forgetting and forgiving the past. your thoughts are what make you. the world is what you think it is.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 May 2008 03:36:09 GMT

grandpa's 87th birthday..i think? anyway, i went to train for my last day of bartending today and my cheap manager sent me home because of overtime. whatever, i already picked up saturday night so it's his fault i'm not going to be trained in time. anyway, i went to dinner with my sister, grandpa, dad and others for his birthday, and i was really happy i actually got to be there. he was too. i stopped at target and bought him a bunch of stupid little gifts. it made him happy, and i love making him happy, because he doesn't smile much ever since grandma left. anyway, i got home like an hour ago and my brother came up to me and said "you know what i just realized.. we've never not lived together." with all the moving around weve done, our sisters been seperated from us for like 6 years, but me and him have always been together. it's gonna be weird when i move out in a couple weeks. i just got sad about it. but i also just cannot fucking wait to finally get the eff out of here. i also got a call back from a magazine place i applied to on monster a month ago today. i wasnt going to call them back, then my manager pissed me off and sent me home so i got in the car and called. getting a real job would be really great. i dont even care if theyre wasting money training me, that whole place is full of shit and if i spend another year there im going to wind up killing someone there. also.. friday my sisters boyfriend stole while bartending at cheesecake, didnt ring in a bunch of drinks, and made 400 dollars. i dont agree with this on so many levels. but its none of my business. so on sunday, while bartending, i tell josh about it and he shakes his head about how wrong it is, whatever. then i find out today that sunday night around 10 a "chilis manager" called up and said they were in there on friday night and saw the bartenders giving away drinks. now i find it hard to believe that any of our managers would ever do this. and i also find it a little ironic that a matter of hours after i tell a person this story, they get a phone call getting my sisters boyfriend along with others in a lot of fucking trouble. this is not the first that something i told him has come back to bite me in the ass. trust is easily lost dear friend of mine.
im watching the doors movie now. goodbye.

oh i just told my mom im moving out. she is in shock and has no response. the end.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 15 May 2008 03:14:22 GMT

I want to finally put one of my songs together and go to an open mic. bob dylan inspires every part of me anytime i hear or read anything he's done. and i was reading his book and decided it's really something i need to finally just go and do. i've been writing them since i was in 4th grade and have yet to let a single person hear them. the time is now. and i don't want it to be one of those things i say i'm going to do and then give up on after a week.
today was a day off where i just went and did whatever i wanted and bought entirely too much stuff. but it made me realize how much i wish i could just live instead of work. just sell paintings or something for money and never have to worry about a schedule. i actually bought my dad a couple presents today. just because. i feel good about that.

foreshadowed1@yahoo.com — Thu, 08 May 2008 01:26:19 GMT

i can't help but think about all the people i was a bad influence on in the past. everytime that part of my life gets brought up i can't stop thinking about how different some of their lives might be if i was never in it.i taught people how to steal. i taught them how to lie. i can't even tell you how many people had their first drink or smoke with me. now that i've worked myself out of that, because i saw what it was doing to the people around me, and i realized i didnt want to be like that...and now they've all ended up in crazy places. people are in jail, more people are in rehab. countless girls have stripped, or been beaten by their boyfriends. it was so harmless when we were 17, and now this is life for them. and my life is just empty. i don't write music anymore, i don't paint or draw, no way will i act anymore. i can't stand anyone in the human race, mostly all of them bother me. and then i think about my battles, and how i feel like i'm the only one who feels this way. but i'm not. i know i'm not. everyone i talk to wants to move away and be free and not deal with society or the idiots that surround them. it's not only me. that's why i want to write a book so i can hear other people tell me they agree or they've gone through it too. my life has been pretty crazy, but i know others have been crazier. let me read about theirs. everytime i tell someone a story, i feel like they're not believing what i'm saying. i feel like most people take the stories i tell with a grain of salt. it is what it is i guess. i should just start making up stories about my past, the way i do with my tables. that's another sad thing, i've worked so much the past 2 years, that i know every single table that comes in. i've served every single one of them before. and i tell them all different stories about myself. it's hard not to get my stories mixed up. for some, i'm from alabama. for others i'm in school majoring in psychology. and for others i'm homeless and just trying to support myself and my car. it's the only source of entertainment i have at work. i'd rather fuck with tables then include myself in the dumb drama that's constantly going on in the back. i can't even stand my manager anymore. and he knows it. i don't really know what to do about that. i guess i should get out of my head now and go to my meeting. bye.