i think it definately builds. there is no such thing as love at first sight.

so i wrote a song today for the first time in forever, but then i got drunk and now i cant remember it. i suck.

 When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world. Every boy is the boy you are supposed to be with. Every party is going to be the best party ever. Every fight is a bridge you'll burn and a friend you'll lose.

 Then you grow up and you start to realize things. Like when you look around you one day and see that you've intentionally made half of your friends hate you because you found something you didn't like about them. Or that you've made yourself be alone for the past 2 years because you are scared of getting hurt again. 2 years ago when I decided to open myself up, I did it willing to get hurt. Maybe only because I had never really felt that hurt before. But then I felt it. The feeling of rejection after you lay your heart out. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Though it felt like it for quite some time. And I've met plenty of better looking men. But no one seems to look at me the way he did. And I think that is what I've been missing.

 I've realized how much I've been expecting a fairy tale ending for myself and how unrealistic that is. I expect to find a successful, rich, charming, good-looking guy to be single and be madly in love with me. Reading that just makes me laugh. The things that media gets into little girls heads. It makes me hate every cheesy romance movie and every disney movie ever made. We grow up with these expectations of finding a knight in shining armor and living a happy like with 2 kids and a white picket fence. Life isn't like a movie. Every single person has flaws. And plenty of them. You're never going to meet someone you don't get annoyed with at some point. And I'm sick of everyone saying "Let fate take care of things, everything will work out." That is bullshit. There is no chosen path for us. We clear our own. We decide which way we want to walk, and we are the reason we wind up where we do. I feel like I have two personalities fighting to overcome the other. Part of me is the I don't give a shit tattooed messy bitch with a clear drinking problem who screws over everyone around her(Let's call her Vanessa). And the other is the innocent little naive girl that wouldn't lie or hurt a fly, would never get a tattoo or peircings and is always there for anyone that needs her(We'll call her Mary). They are very off balance and sometimes it's hard to decide who I want to let live my life. But I know that in deciding how i want to live my life, I am deciding where I'll end up in 30 years. Vanessa will be either dead or living in her smoke filled apartment with her dirtbag boyfriend, while Mary will have let every one of her friends walk all over her and have none left, and have settled with an unattractive geek with lots of money, so at least she could satisfy some of her urges.
 I think it's important to say when these two personalities really started to show up. When my grandma died it hit me so hard. And all I wanted to do was be like her and touch people the way she had. She was so purely genuine and happy it made you just want to be a good person. And I was not. I was a liar, a klepto. I'd taught my friends how to steal and lie and opened up new doors for all of them, looking at where they ended up just hurts me inside.  I'd sleep with my best friends boyfriends and throw it in their face a year later. I'd cheat my way through school, and I'd go out smoking and drinking every night. I turned my back on my family, the only people who were a constant in my life. After her death I was changed.
 I wanted to go back to who I was as a kid. The shy innocent girl who laid in bed praying to a god for things to get better. The girl that believed you're only allowed a certain amount of curse words in your life so I'd sit alone in my closet cursing to get them all out so I'd never do it again. The girl that felt guilt when she did something wrong. I wanted the nilla cookie back.

 When I was young and I'd close my eyes, every single night, no fail, I had these visions. It was just regular people. But they would morph. They started beautiful and smooth, I always thought of nilla cookies. Then they would shift into these dark, scabbed creatures. Smokey and rough. They were ugly and scary and I hated them. But shortly after they would shift back. It was back and forth until I would see myself. I was a nilla cookie, and then I'd get just one scar. One hideous ugly scar on my cheek. And I would cry and slowly turn into one of those creatures. And I always tried to get myself back to the nilla cookie, but I'd always have that scar no matter how hard I tried to erase it. It was a crazy outlook to my future.

I think the only reason I fell for that one boy so hard was because I had asked my grandma one night, while laying in bed, to bring me a boy to love me. I was ready for love I told her. Shortly after, I met Matt. And it seemed too good to be true. But neither of us were in the right place so I told myself it was the wrong time and it would work out later in life. I come to find that is not how things work. You screw it up once, it's done. But for the longest time I was convinced that he was the one I was meant to be with.
 Then after all that time of being alone and finding something wrong with every guy I met, I met the boy in Boston. Who in two words, was my dream guy. I never thought I could meet a guy like that, or that he would talk to me. He was gorgeous, he was successful, he had family values, and he was faithful. We had a huge connection, but he had a girlfriend, and I never gave him my number. And thus, we never saw eachother again. Just another chance encounter I get to look back on and sigh at. But now thinking back on these times, maybe they were just supposed to teach me something. Whether it be how to interact with a guy I am interested in, or to know that there ARE guys like that out there. Either way I don't regret how they turned out.

 I miss being young and "insightful". I miss knowing all the answers. I miss having a small world and there being nothing outside of it. Things were dramatic then, but they were a lot more simple than I'd realized.

is this obsessive?

nooo. i just really can't stop thinking about him. i've been trying to find a boy like him for the past 3 years and i finally met everything i wanted. and i cannntt stop thinking about himmmmm. and it sucks because, i dont think i even asked him his name, he currently lives in another state, has a girlfriend, and has no contact with me.

i just emailed a girl he was with. she gave me her email and told me shed hook me up lol..idk i just looked at pictures of me from that night, and i was so giddy like a school girl. maybe i just need to meet more decent boys. good men.

i met a boy yesterday that regained my faith in the human race.





thank god.

seriously, i have to start doing the things i've always wanted to do. or i'm gonna be a pathetic person for the rest of my life.

i think i'm gonna go back to dance school. i miss that part of my life so badly. i was the best at it and i just dropped it because all my classmates hated me. well i was weird back then so it's understandable.

anyway, i've realized lately just how much i really just wanna travel the world. it's weird because i was watching the true hollywood story of angelina jolie today, and it showed where she travels and helps people, and she's seeing the real world, not the glitzy tourist world. and i envy that. i'm thinking of moving back home in june so i can afford traveling all over the world. even if it is by myself. it's something i have to do.

btw i did not start school in spring like i said i would. one of my managers bought me this career apptitude book called discover what you're best at. so i eventually got around to opening it and taking some of the tests. i took the bussiness, logical, clerical, and social tests. the mechanical and the numerical just looked boring. so anyway... i take the tests, and the way you score it is on a chart that goes from like below average or something all the way up to superior. and it was really weird, i got superior in all 4. so it didn't narrow anything down. so i looked through the career index..which was endless, and it all just seemed so...bussiness-ey. well i went on-line and looked up a couple of the jobs. one was a social director. they were on like cruise ships or at hotels. so i went on career builder to see if there's actually a need for those kinds of people out there. turns out there really isn't. and i get all these e-mail's now with job offers, and i can't stand reading them. i don't want a job in business. i don't want 9-5. i don't want to stay in one place, or stay with the same people. i don't want to walk into the same building day after day. i need some form of excitement in my life soon or else i'll become a hollow shell.

kids always have the craziest dreams, and they never seem far away, but then one day they just let them go, whether they get side-tracked, or they just give-up...and they settle. i've never been one to settle. but i have given up on finding something i love and working toward it.

who'd of thought that TRYING could be so hard?

my sister is in jail today. but she gets out tomorrow. it's just weird to think about.

my manager is like jeckell & hyde. she tells people she's going to fire me for telling people the shit she says, and then acts like my best friend. i'm done getting stressed out about that shit.

my friend jenn made me realize what's wrong with me. i always go back in forth between thinking im a hypocondriac or i have an awful disease and i'm dying. but she told me she was researching hypothyroidism and it has like 20 of the most random symptoms, and they sersiously are all what i have. and it's hereditary and my mom had it. thank god i actually know i'm not crazy now.

so i came home and bought health insurance. which is 200 dollars a month. and thats the cheap one. what the fuck. where am i going to get all this money? not to mention...

i tried registering for classes yesterday. which is still too confusing for me...but my roomie's gonna help me later and i am determined to be in school by the spring. so i need to pay for that to, while working less.

meanwhile, it's christmas time, and i told everyone i can't afford to buy lots of presents like usual..but my sister's moving to boston, so i HAD to help get her lots of stuff for her apartment. so far i spent 600, and i still need to get my brother more. and i wanna buy all my aunts and uncles something too. because every year they give me gift cards and money, and it's expected...but i'm an adult now, and i still never get them anything. that's bullshit. so maybea few bottles of champagne for new years or something.

stress stress stress stress stress stress......stress.

i work too much and get run down. but what else is new.
i opened my last bank statement today and saw that last month i wound up with a loss of $300. that was depressing.
i keep getting sicker an sicker and i'm starting to feel like i have something seriously wrong with me. but i couldn't go to a doctor even if i wanted to because i don't have insurance yet.
i really want to go back to school, but i honestly don't know how, it's really confusing...that's sad.
everytime i meet a new guy, i'm reminded how disgusting they are. they really do only care about one thing.
i'm watching knocked up and, it's such a great movie.
i wish i could just relax and enjoy life. but i haven't known how to do that since the day i turned 18 and got a job.
blah blah blah blah blah

yesterday was my aunt pearl's funeral. it was mentally exhausting, i was supposed to work afterwards, but had someone pick it up last minute cause i felt so crappy. i think the worst part was watching her son. he's always such a happy man, making jokes. and he still tried to be that way, but you could see it in his eyes. his speech at the church brought everyone to tears.

being in that church made me think so much. made me wonder how everyone can believe so whole-heartedly in some story passed down through thousands of generations. it's a nice story, and it really would be great if it were true, but i can't make myself trust in that. i guess that just shows my personality though. i'm so gaurded. people with faith are better people than me, hands down. that's like jumping off a building blind folded, and trusting someone will be at the bottom with a net. i don't know how so many people can do it. i want to believe there's something more to life, that we're not just here to die...but that's something we'll never know until we're dead, so i don't waste my time trying to figure it out.

life is just a circle. yin and yang. ups and downs. i've become so used to it, that nothing ever bothers me anymore. a lot of things go wrong at the same time, and usually i just get stressed and feel helpless. but over the past year or two, i just let it go. i know that when it's that bad, it's gonna get real good soon enough, i just have to bear with it. it's weird that i feel the same in each month. october's definately always my favorite month. i always have the most fun. even though all i've really been doing is working, i've just had a good time. but i know once december hits things are going to go downhill very fast so i want to enjoy thistime as much as i can.

i don't have anything to complain about in my life, and i don't want to take that for granted. a lot of my friends have such crazy stressful things going on, and it's made me so appreciative for what i have.

today as soon as i started getting ready for work things started spiraling out of control. first i take my shirt out of the dryer and find a big black stain on it from when my roomate borrowed it yesterday, so i have to go buy a new one. then i leave for work and get stuck behind a bus that literally stops twice on every block. then i walk into work scheduled to closed, but instead i'm just on the floor in a mediocore station. then someone throws out my redbull. then i actually spill a drink on a table..which i've never ever done before. then my manager, who may or may not have down syndrome, tries to yell at me for not telling him my table ordered a bottle of wine we were out of. which i don't understand why he had to know that at all. and so on and so on.

but eventually, i'd picked up closing since i was supposed to anyway, and my phone wouldnt stop vibrating so i went to the kitchen and listened to my voice mail. it was my dad, whom i haven't spoken to in probably about a month, telling me my aunt pearl died today. i realized how stupid i was being letting these little things affect my day. i feel a litte selfish.

so next time you're having one of those awful days, and you're dragging your feet saying...don't say could this day get any worse. becase next thing you know you'll get a phone call.